For the Anxious One

 

          I remember my first break down as a nurse. 

          I was fresh out of graduating from college and still felt excitement about started my career.

          It was my first code blue, it's hard to describe the feeling of walking in and realizing a patient is not breathing. Everything seemed to move in slow motion as I pressed the blue button and the room filled with other medical professionals within seconds.  

I stood in the back of the room frozen and speechless as everyone fluttered around me. I saw the patients family members, who moments earlier I had encouraged to go to the cafeteria, saying "Oh, they will be fine." They looked at me through tears streaming down their face.

         I can hardly remember the rest of that shift, yet I remember that night and how I was filled with fear and anxiety to go back to work the next day. The patient ended up being able to leave, but this new intense anxiety I felt didn't leave.

         It steadily grew, it went from normal nerves before work to a panicked break-down each shift. I would call my mom and all I could talk about was work. I dreaded going back. Driving into each shift my palms would sweat, my chest would be tight, my breathing fast, and my mind would be spinning. 

          Anxiety is a difficult thing. Every human being in the world has normal everyday anxiety. We get anxious about things we can't control. God knows this and calls us higher. God, in a way, allows us to feel anxiety so that we come to a realization that life is out of our control and He is the One in control. Anxiety points us to God. It points us to rest in Him, to trust in His goodness, and to depend on His plan for our lives.

         It is very easy to let anxiety control you. I've let it control me many times. 

         I've laid awake some nights, anxious thoughts not allowing my mind to sleep. I've skipped meals feeling so filled with dread that I lost my appetite. I've spoken for hours on the phone with my mom, my voice growing more and more panicked.

         What I've come to realize about my anxiety is this: my anxiety is a lack of trust in God, in His goodness and love, and in His power to make me able. 

           Selfishly, I'd love to say my anxiety is out of my control, because then it takes the responsibility off of me. (Now anxiety is sometimes more than we can handle and we do need things such as counseling or better coping mechanisms.) Yet, at the basis of why I was experiencing such intense anxiety were those hard truths.

           I don't trust God. I don't trust He knows what is good for me, therefore I get anxious.

          I don't trust in His goodness and love. I don't trust He is working together all things for my good and loves me, therefore I get anxious. 

           I don't believe that He is powerful enough to make me able. I devalue His great power in my mind, therefore I get anxious.

            For a long time I would try to fix my anxiety on my own. I would sleep and exercise more, drink less caffeine, journal, talk to those I love, go to church more often, take deep breaths, go walk outside.... and while those things do help and are important, none of them truly fixed the deep rooted issues I actually had. It took me a while to realize that at the end of the day, I just truly did not trust God. 

            I had to fix my view of God to ever even begin to fix my anxiety. I had to come back to the basics. I had to build my trust in God again. I had to build my faith in His goodness and love. I had to remember that God is so much bigger than I am. He created this world and everything in it. He knows everyday of my life before I was even born. When I sat in those truths, it almost seemed laughable that I was so anxious about such meaningless things. 

            Once I worked through those truths, I was able to deal with my anxiety head on. I was equipped with the armor of God to wage war on anxiety. I was determined to stop allowing it to steal my joy. 

           I still experience anxiety and some days are easier than others. This time is different, because I'm not trying to fight it on my own. Every morning I wake up, I am fighting this war with the Creator of the world on my side and that tends to make the fight feel a whole lot easier. I daily have to remind myself that my life is not in my control. I do not control tomorrow, next month, or next year, but I trust in a God who is good and loving and who is powerful enough to make be capable to face what comes.     

      

Matthew 6:34, “Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” We may not be able to stop trouble in the world, or trouble in our lives, but one thing we do not have to do is worry about it.

John 14:27, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled nor afraid.”

Colossians 3:15, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”

2 Thessalonians 3:16, “Now may the Lord of peace give you peace at all times and in everything. The Lord be with all of you.”

Philippians 4:6-7, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”