Remember Him

           I blinked and became a senior. I look back to the very terrified, but excited freshman girl that I was coming into PBA and it feels like a whole different human being. I wish I could tell her about the things I would learn, hurts I would have, disappointments, wins, fun memories, friendships I'd make.... all bundled up in a few short years.

          Every year I've written a statement, something that came to mind after spending time with God that I wanted to define that time by to become more like Christ.

         My first semester it was to be "Fearlessly Authentic". Coming into PBA I honestly had no clue what it meant to be truly authentic. Being a southern belle it's easy to dress the part and act the way others wanted, as I did most of high school. I had thought going to college 17 hours away from home would change that, but my first semester I caught myself quickly putting the facade or mask back on afraid of others opinions. I did what others expected me to do and I found myself drained every night by pretending to be someone that wasn't who I was. I found myself often caught between having to choose if I would be what the world wanted or what God made me to be. 

     My second semester of freshman year I clung to the verse, "the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight (1 Peter 3:3-4)." If you know me, you know I'm a talker. I love to talk because I love words. I found myself not being able to  get rid of the insecurities about my beauty, self worth, and image that followed me from high school. I realized I had to break the lies I had taught myself to believe about what made me worthy of love. I also saw women around me characterized by this unfailing beauty, not just that they didn't talk but they had this gentle and quiet presence that followed them throughout their everyday and pointed back to Christ and I yearned for that.

        My sophomore year it became Live Loved. I read a book called "Uninvited" and she talked about living in a way where every moment we know we are fully loved by God. If I live every second knowing I am fully loved by God than all the worries, fears, insecurities, embarrassments... don't matter anymore. In high school I had been so caught up by what others thought and let their opinions rule what I did. I realized I had to learn how to do what God wanted me to, because (big shocker) others opinions of you don't really matter at the end of the day. God's opinion of you and what He says about you is the only thing that matters.

    My junior year it was to live courageously and without fear. In college I became a very anxious person. Being an RA and in nursing I was constantly worried. I would lay awake at night as anxious thoughts and fears pierced by mind. The fear and anxiety kept me from chasing the passions I had, it kept me from addressing conflicts or speaking up for myself, it kept me from trying new things, it kept me from living the radical life after Christ that I wanted. I was paralyzed by fear and knew I wanted to have the courage Joshua did in the Lord. 

    Now it's my senior year. I'm terrified and exhilarated at the same time. At the beginning of 2020 I had said that I wanted to chase after intentionality. To have intentionality in my relationships, jobs, studies, health, and with Christ. Being intentional was what I realized I lacked in lots of areas of my life.

    This year I don't have a word. I just have all these things combined. I want God to let me live fearlessly authentic by living loved. To grant me courage so I will not fear. For Him to let me shine with the unfailing beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit to others. For my time at PBA to be characterized by intentionality, hospitality, and generosity. 

    I don't care if they remember my name after I'm gone as long as they remember Him.