The Art of Feeling Useless

       

      The other day a girl commented that I was the "girl who did it all". Like I was the girl who multitasked and never went to sleep and drank way too much coffee, but was 10 steps ahead of everyone with her lips glossed. That comment frustrated me because when I look at my own life all I see is a hot mess.

          I see a girl with too many bags under her eyes, who's constantly yawning because she's addicted to caffeine, a girl who tends to get FOMO so I can't seem to say no to things, who's up at midnight trying to finish that last assignment that she should've started days ago. The one who tries to workout but never can seem to get a thigh gap and tries to eat healthy, but tends to find herself stress eating Oreos.

          Recently, this hot mess of a woman that is myself, I started to reflect on my past two years of college and I suddenly recognized a constant feeling that I had never noticed followed me around. The feeling of being useless.

          Rewind back to freshman year in which I was a bright-eyed, somewhat naive girl who was on fire for Jesus and ready to just share Him with everyone I knew. So I decided the best thing to do was try to start a college girls ministry from scratch. I mean in theory that's amazing, practically it was nothing but amazing.

         Don't get me wrong, it started off with such great intent but very quickly spiraled into a somewhat toxic entertainment focus, production show where we all pretended to be perfect and act perfect and look perfect. Every week I would be overwhelmed with anxiety about it facing the pressures to perform and make sure to have enough donuts and have all the lights and make sure the worship team didn't screw up. Even though in my heart I was battling with this idea, knowing those things didn't matter it just mattered what we said to these girls about Christ and how we made them feel, but I sadly gave into the pressures of people around me.

       So after many cups of coffee, break downs, and sleepless nights I decided to disband it. And I felt defeated. Useless. I mean why would God give me this intense passion to share Him with girls around me and yet have me fail so miserably? Maybe I was just useless.

    Then I became an R.A., and let me tell you it is a lot harder than you think. I loved my floor so much, but I so quickly took on this burden that wasn't mine to carry. I carried the weight of every girl on my shoulder and tore myself town when girls transferred, when roommate conflicts didn't resolve, when residents left my floor still not knowing Christ. And at the end of the year that had so many ups and downs and grace-filled moments, I looked back and felt useless.

    Then came summer, as I scrolled through post after post of friends who were traveling all over the states and the world. Experiencing Christ love and sharing it in amazing ways, while I sat at my sister's home bored while studying for a summer class. And I felt useless.

     Then came nursing school. I have never been more passionate about something in my life, but suddenly everyone seemed smarter than me. Everyone knew more than me, understood more, had studied more, had their lives together more, were 20 steps ahead of me and they were going to be better nurses than me. I looked down at my bad grade that I recieved, while everyone else seemed to celebrate their high scores and I felt useless.

    It is so easy to feel useless. I've often looked at this world, brimming to the surface full of Christ-filled potential. With so many Christians who are using their passions and talents and blessings to feriociously serve after Christ and I look up at God and want to ask,"But where do I fit in?" It is so easy to fill like just another person passing through, to look back at work you put in and find it meaningless.

  As I sit in a dorm room staying up an hour later to talk to a resident, I feel like it is meaningless. Sacrificing another fun night with friends to stay in and study, I feel like it is meaningless. Going out of my way to serve a friend knowing I wouldn't get any form of recognition, felt meaningless. Every morning waking up a a little bit earlier to be able to read my Bible, felt meaningless.


   But it's not, which is something I have to continually allow God to whisper over me daily. I am not useless, because I serve a God that created me and knows me better than I know myself. So who am I to say I am useless when I am His creation? I am a piece of pottery made by the most skilled potter, and yet I'm criticizing His work, saying I have no purpose on this earth.

  What you do, from the smallest things of waking up early or drinking another cup of coffee or brushing your teeth to the big things like serving those around you, chasing after your God-given passions, or just grabbing food with a friend who needs encouragement all matter.

   When you live in a God-saturated world everything we do is meaningful, everything we do matters and is used to glorify and worship God better. Even in the seemingly meaningless things we are making the invisible God visible. We are mimicking who God is to those around us. Even in the failures or the mundane everyday things, God is using everything about us for His glory.