Let Go & Let God

            Growing up with a big family our life was constant chaos, from running to sport games and school recitals, to being shoved in the car as we were late for church yet another week in a row (I still to this day don’t know how my mother was able to wrangle us all without even a flinch). Being in this kind of family dynamic from a young age I learned to be flexible, that plans were never concrete and that change in life was always inevitable.

            Then college happened. I was suddenly on my own and my plan & my time were all my own. I could make a schedule and stick to it. I was now the one in the drivers seat controlling the car instead of the passenger side. I could have routine and never have anything in life change. The thing is thinking you can control your life can be an addictive thing. I craved consistency, predictability, and everything to be on my timing.

            I got so caught up in this idea that I could make my life tie up with a neat, little bow. I could get an A on this test, and amazing friends to hang out with on the weekend, and a date with a guy that would become my boyfriend, and time to consistently workout and get a thigh gap while also having plenty of free time to enjoy myself.  And the bad thing is I started to believed could have all of that and selfishly that I somehow deserved it.

       A week ago I was talking to a freshman who was having a hard time adjusting to college life and finding her group. I jumped into telling her how life doesn’t happen in your own timing but in God’s, how we live in a culture where we always want everything and we want it now, but God’s got our best in mind so His timing usually takes longer but is way more worth it…. And  I suddenly got slapped in the face realizing I was preaching these truths not just to her but to myself.

“I was suppose to have a boyfriend by now.”

“I was suppose to have a thigh gap by now.”

“I was suppose to be good at studying by now.”

“I was suppose to have an amazing group of friends by now.”

“I was suppose to be that girl now.”

“I was suppose to….”

   See the thing is this semester, up until now, I experience a wake-up call where all that control I had so carefully built up last year was lost so quickly. I woke up first week into school to a room that somehow ended up messy no matter how much I tried cleaning it, frizzy hair that never seemed to want to listen, a new position of being R.A. that I couldn’t seem to ever do right, a to-do list that never got shorter but only longer, no plans for the weekend…. The list went on and on. Everything from the biggest thing to the smallest detail was in a process of changing and I felt like I was constantly playing a game of catch-up. I suddenly felt very, very out of control. The same way it feels when you’re driving in December and hit black ice on the road and your car spins out, and all you can do anymore is hold on and pray.

     It’s so easy to get caught up in this façade of control. I realized I had been letting myself believe that I somehow deserved things. I deserved a boyfriend, a thigh gap, an A on a test…. and that God was withholding it from me as some kind of punishment. When in all reality I didn’t and still don’t deserve any of it or anything else that I already have. Also forgetting that God withholds so much from me knowing that it’s not maybe yet the time or place for it, which looking back in life so much of what I thought I wanted was not at all what God knew I needed.

    Change is hard, it honestly sucks a lot of the time. Changing schedules, classes, friends, dreams, jobs…. And I for the longest time feared it. I had gotten so comfortable with my routine and my life that I put up a bubble around myself hoping that I could keep it all safe. Then God came along to remind me yet again that I wasn’t called to a comfortable, consistent life. I mean ultimately my life as a Christian is supposed to be defined by change, the change in my heart that overflows into how I live my life. So instead of seeing change as something to fear, seeing it as something to embrace. Change brings growth in character, in relationships, in life, in our faith….

     On the other hand, I also had to learn to let go of control and let God. To let go of my five or ten year plan, even my plan for tomorrow. To learn to trust that even though I can’t see what is coming in front of me that I trust God to do what is best for me while also reminding myself of the good things He’s done for me in the past. Whether that means He’s going to make me wait and learn some more things before reaching something my heart desires, blessing me with that desire tomorrow, or never granting me a desire because He knows what will grow me to be more of a woman after His own heart and that won’t. Giving up that control and that fear of change to Him has brought me into a season of never being more unknowing of the future but never being more joyful in life than I’ve ever been.

“For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.”

                                    Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.”

                                                                                       Ecclesiastes 3:11