I Wear My Pain Like Stilletos

     I'm a girl who absolutely loves a good pair of heels. And while I adore them, they're pretty much the bane of my existence. I mean you have to master the technique of being able to walk in them without looking like a klutz, then they make your feet swell if you wear them for too long, if they're new they rub the back of your foot causing need for many band-aids, and then they hurt. I mean they REALLY hurt. Let me tell you, there is no better feeling than taking some heels off at night and finally being able to rub your sore and tired soles.


     While wearing a pair of heels the other day and hiding the fact that my feet were practically numb from those around me, did I realize how often we as girls also wear our pain like wearing heels?  Kelsea Ballerini's song "Stilettos" is one that describes this imagery perfectly, and even while her song is about a break-up it still compares how, we as girls, wear our pain the same way we wear a pair of stilettos.

    "...As bad as it hurts, no, you'll never know..." What do girls do when they experience hurt or pain or betrayal? Sometimes we lash out, but most times we hide it. Being a person who everyone always saw as "happy-go-lucky" I learned to hide my pain. I didn't want this image that everyone had in their minds of who I was to crack. I couldn't let them see the broken, hot mess, emotionally unstable girl I truly was. Just like when I'm wearing heels, everyone around me sees a confident girl who's strutting around and not the clumsy girl who's afraid of toppling over any second.

  "...I keep walking with my head up, putting on a show and fronting like nothing is wrong..." I was so afraid of anyone knowing my true feelings so I put on a front. I made sure to always seem happy, to make sure to smile at everyone, to seem as if my life was perfect. And don't we all do this, put on shows for those around us to see? We're so obsessed with not being seen as weak, or less, or pitiful... We don't want them to see our loneliness at the lunch table when no one seems to notice you're there, or our self hatred of our appearance and our bodies, or how you're afraid you'll never find someone. The same way I don't want those around me to know I'm hurting while in my heels,  pretending I hardly even realize I'm wearing them.

"...I talk and talk like I'm a tough girl, 'cause there ain't room for weakness in a rough world..."
Being able to put on a front of not being weak also calls for knowing the talk. We tell people "I'm fine" or "It doesn't bother me" or "I promise you I'm okay" to make them believe we are. Whenever a friend starts to pry into our lives and starts to expose a hurt or a pain or a loss, we quickly use one of these cover-ups to stall the conversation and move it somewhere else. To avoid being exposed. Those who see me in heels would think I'm unfazed by the pain, that I'm numb too it.

"....That keeps saying you were never enough girl..."  We live in a society that thrives on girls being tough skinned and strong. Who never let anything bother them and don't care what people think about them. The world tells us to never be vulnerable to others, because being vulnerable means weakness, and weakness means we are less then. It means we aren't enough. Letting others know that my heels pain me and that I'm not as coordinated as I seem in them, tells the world that I'm not good enough to keep my balance or strong enough to take on sore feet.

    We need to learn to become a nation of girls who can learn to take our heels off. Who can learn to say, "forget this, I am going barefoot (@actually_co)." Because of the brokenness in our world we experience pain. God didn't say because we experience pain we are to mask it and pretend as if we are okay, instead He calls for us to run to Him in times of pain. God is "close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirits (Ps. 34:18)." He calls for us to abide in Him in seasons of pain and loss and hurt, because He understands us. Jesus experienced every feeling we've ever known while here on earth, he knew pain and loss and grief. This means that He can sympathize and comfort us better than anyone on this earth can, so run to Jesus with your hurting heart.

  After running to God, we need to find a parent or a close girlfriend or a mentor that you can share this pain with. Having someone to walk alongside you, that you can be open and raw with can release this burden of trying to mask it. It can show us how to throw off the fear of what those around us may think and to be fearlessly authentic with our hurt. Knowing that our pain hardly compares to the joy and restoration we find in Jesus, and letting that move through us to show others girls how to stop pretending they're okay with being in stilettos and to "go barefoot". We need to start coming together and lifting each other up. Showing how our pain and our hurt isn't weakness, but is actually strength.


   - Rachel